Some couples may choose polyamory, a consensual non-monogamous relationship, but a quieter, more prevalent trend is emerging: “tolyamory.”
Relationship columnist and podcaster Dan Savage describes “tolyamory” as the practice of turning a blind eye to minor infidelities, such as a lap dance or a brief affair, in long-term relationships. “They focus on all the ways their spouse demonstrates their commitment and shows their love,” Savage explains, making the cheating “tolerable.”
These individuals are not oblivious or naïve; they are fully aware and have accepted the situation. “They know what they signed up for and long ago made peace with what they got,” Savage elaborates.
Unlike polyamory, which involves open discussions and agreements between partners, tolyamory is not consensually acknowledged. Marie Thouin, a relationship coach and author, told HuffPost that it’s a way to maintain the relationship without endorsing the non-monogamous behavior. She believes this dynamic is quite common .
>Polyamory educator Leanne Yau echoed this sentiment, calling tolyamory “probably, unfortunately, the most common form of non-monogamy.”
High-profile examples include Bill and Hillary Clinton, as well as fictional couples like Cameron and Daphne from HBO's "White Lotus," who engage in extramarital affairs while maintaining their marriage.
Thouin notes that some people accept infidelity as inevitable but insist on discretion to maintain the public appearance of monogamy. In certain societies, this is particularly true for women, who are often expected to tolerate their husbands’ infidelity while remaining monogamous themselves.
Financial dependency can also play a role in why some individuals accept a tolyamorous relationship, Thouin added. In more socially progressive societies, there is a shift towards closing this “infidelity gap,” offering more egalitarian chances for either partner to end up in a tolyamorous dynamic.
Ultimately, Thouin concludes, “People depend on one another for mutual care, financial security, and emotional safety. Even when power dynamics are healthy, leaving relationships is often very costly — materially and personally.”
